Thursday, 29 October 2015

The burn!

The smoke is arising before my eyes,
I see the flames stare at me,
Its deep enraged eyes warn me of the onslaught.

I put my hand right in.
I writhe with the flaring pain.
I had been warned and yet..
Did I ignore? or did I choose to ignore?
...I awoke to the fire still burning bright and my hand still on my lap.

There is an ominous, all consuming desire to hurt oneself.
The reasons behind are vague like the apparitions that follow me.

Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I burn inches and feel the agonizing pain.
May be then I realize that it is a dead end, that there is a garden right behind me, that there are my people right behind me and that there is life behind me.

There is no pathway ahead. Just that fire.









Tuesday, 27 October 2015

An obtuse heart

It has been a long day,
I am tired to the last inch in my body,
I only take that step for it is you at the end of it.

I turn my head and there you are,
Smiling and capturing eyes,
I cringe when I see them.

Having known you all my life, I still don't know you.
You are the lover I don't love.
You are the companion that I don't have.
You are the friend I have kept.

Sometimes it is hard to draw that line between attraction, friendship, love and yearning. I am walking in those narrow lanes. My mind confuses me, my brain nitpicks me and my heart flutters. 


Alas! The stupid heart.

Life being life! Life being a conundrum!

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

The 'Consultant' in the Social world

Many times I find myself in this fix where I wonder; "How and why am I different from a typical corporate sector consultant?" Just to give a background, I work in a social sector consulting firm, so I am part of the group that writes and dishes out the lengthy, heavy impact evaluations of the programs and schemes run by governments, NGOs and INGOs. Example would be a report on the process monitoring of the 'Total Sanitation Campaign' of the Government of India. So that is something that I would work on.
I wasn't necessarily longing for the difference but just that I wanted to understand 'if' and 'how' I am different than the corporate consultant. 

I am just back from a strategic reflection of my organization. I did not have much expectations from it but strangely in all the hullaballo I found the answer to my question. It was when my organization's founder, Raghu was talking to us. The following is his response..(not verbatim..recall method)
I know I am a consultant. How am I then any different from the other consultants? The reason is that I know whom am I working. My client may be the donor funding my study but the person I want to benefit is the end beneficiary of the program. My tools, my study design, my TOC, everything would focus at him or her and try and see how the money and the intervention can be made to help them better, to improve their lives. I try different approaches, different evaluations frameworks to make sure the information they give is captured better.

When I sat to think and reflect on it, then I actually realized that had run common through all my studies. Whether it be with the children or with the PLHIV or sex-workers. I do not go there to get them to fill my survey or to participate in my group interview. I engage with them. I hear them out. The talk, discussion adds to me, my experiences and my personality. Also when I put in my analysis, my recommendations I try to put that reflection as much as possible. I know this sounds a bit stretched but trust me it changes the way you think about your work. If I as an individual want to stay here, it is important for me to see a  personal adn monetary value in it or else I would be person documenting and writing endless reports. That would be self defeating for me in the long run.

Anyways, those are the musings from Kodai.