Que Sera Sera?

Where does one draw the line between confidence and over-confidence,

Where does one draw the line between having faith and being foolhardy,

Where does one draw the line between reality and figments of imagination.

Has the bubble been burst?

Have I overthought this?

Have I not given enough of my efforts to it?

One wonders but there are no immediate answers.

They loom far away.

For a believer, will my 'Que Sera Sera' hold?

To Maa and her tribe!

As I put away the last dish, I have a smile on my face thinking about the bed that beckons. As I wash my hands and look down on my palms, that smile fades. They are a dry crinkly pair. 

2020 has been the year that has taught us all something, even the nothing has something to tell and teach. Mid-way through COVID-19, I had my last day in office, something that was planned much before we heard COVID-19 murmurs. My husband has a job that required him to be in office for long hours through this pandemic, which meant that almost the entire household’s responsibility landed on me. 

I have lived away from home since I was 18 years old, so I am familiar with what all goes into running a house. However, I have never really had to do end to end of it with no help. Between the mopping, cooking and cleaning, memories from childhood of my mother have been flashing by ever so often.

My mother was a working woman all her life, she was a lecturer who worked 6 days a week through the year. She traveled 40 kms a day to her school changing 3 modes of transport on each side.  We were a nuclear family and everything in the house was taken care of by her. Father understood only his patriarchal roles, earn money, and bring home the ration.

But today, when I am learning the ropes of a domestic life, I learnt a lot more about my mother:

• When I touched her palms and made a face for those rough dry hands, what I missed was the hard work she had done, day in and day out. She compensated my faces with smiles and hugs for me.
• Her resilience to travel and work through the day and then spend her evenings with us, checking on us and laughing with us. There is the strength and stamina that I did not recognise.
• Understanding that her snoozing off as soon as she was done with work, was not her love for sleep but her tired body and mind needing that physical rest.
• Those cuts, bruises or burns on her. Having worked in the kitchen and climbed corners, I now know where they came from and understand her ability to take pain and not have us see it or get affected by it.
• Understanding why she so eagerly asked how her food tasted. The only right answer was delicious.

This is just a faint glimpse of the strength I have seen and the strength I wish I emulate. Now each day I talk to her, I realise that every woman, working or just manning the house are superwomen. Even if you have a partner who helps and assists, you cannot take away the fact that most houses in Indian households are running largely because of that female energy. The way a woman can multitask, have multiple checklists (all in her brain, mind you), and even subconsciously know and take care of the smallest item in the household, no one can.

So, here is to Maa and her tribe! Cheers!

There are thoughts in my head

There are thoughts in my head,

Words stuck there; poking my brain but stuck there.

'I cannot remember why I am upset

May be because I felt useless

May be because I felt overwhelmed

May be because I felt too much love

May be because I felt an overbearing pain

I have fought and said my words

I miss you in those small fleeting moments,

Jokes we would have laughed at,

Silly banter we would cracked,

Pain we would have shared,

Nothingness we would have let pass, 

Time we would have wasted? or time we would have lived?'

I wish I had spoken sooner.

I wish I had shared more meals with you.

I wish I had hiked more trails with you.

I wish I had more conversations with you.

I wish I had shared more silences with you.

I wish I had held you little longer and snuggled with you on many more mornings.

I wish I had kissed you more passionately.

Many a times, we live in such 'moments we wish we had'. 

My promise to myself is to just live and never end up with,

'There are thoughts in my head'.

Ever so often I realize, the fleetingness that is LIFE.

So hold on, live and love: To all moments, friends, family and strangers.

P.S.: Photo is by a dear friend.