A moment

Here and beyond, 

Only wilderness

Above and beyond, 

My piece of starry sky

In and around,

The warm breeze 

Here and how,

Time stood still

Wrapped around me,

Only you

P.S.: Bamboo Forest Lodge, Tadoba- a must, must visit :)

Disillusioned

From my first step to my first broken tooth to my first stage dance performance to my convocation, you were there..Right behind me. Glorified in my glory and happy in my happiness.

There were days when you gave me pain unlimited. Locked in and we did not hear from each other for months.

But then again life moved on and we picked up the relation and infused life and happiness in it.

You have left me again today. And left me in pain.

You choose the neighbor over me.

You choose the far off aunts over me.

You choose the gossip monger over me.

You choose the society over me and over my happiness.

I am a part of you and I owe you everything in life.. Almost all of it.

But do I surrender my happiness in gratitude?

You gave your verdict even before listening to me.

You gave your hatred to him even before knowing him.

I know its a reflection of the society and times on you but do you care to hear? To hear for me?

In the end, there is no selfless love I see..a mother wants, a father wants, a sister wants, a friend wants.. in return for what? the love they gave? the duty they did? the happiness they brought in my life?

The burn!

The smoke is arising before my eyes,

I see the flames stare at me,

Its deep enraged eyes warn me of the onslaught.

I put my hand right in.

I writhe with the flaring pain.

I had been warned and yet..

Did I ignore? or did I choose to ignore?

...I awoke to the fire still burning bright and my hand still on my lap.

There is an ominous, all consuming desire to hurt oneself.

The reasons behind are vague like the apparitions that follow me.

Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I burn inches and feel the agonizing pain.

May be then I realize that it is a dead end, that there is a garden right behind me, that there are my people right behind me and that there is life behind me.

There is no pathway ahead. Just that fire.

An obtuse heart

It has been a long day,
I am tired to the last inch in my body,
I only take that step for it is you at the end of it.

I turn my head and there you are,
Smiling and capturing eyes,
I cringe when I see them.

Having known you all my life, I still don't know you.
You are the lover I don't love.
You are the companion that I don't have.
You are the friend I have kept.

Sometimes it is hard to draw that line between attraction, friendship, love and yearning. I am walking in those narrow lanes. My mind confuses me, my brain nitpicks me and my heart flutters. 

Alas! The stupid heart.

Life being life! Life being a conundrum!

The 'Consultant' in the Social world

Many times I find myself in this fix where I wonder; "How and why am I different from a typical corporate sector consultant?" Just to give a background, I work in a social sector consulting firm, so I am part of the group that writes and dishes out the lengthy, heavy impact evaluations of the programs and schemes run by governments, NGOs and INGOs. Example would be a report on the process monitoring of the 'Total Sanitation Campaign' of the Government of India. So that is something that I would work on.

I wasn't necessarily longing for the difference but just that I wanted to understand 'if' and 'how' I am different than the corporate consultant. 

I am just back from a strategic reflection of my organization. I did not have much expectations from it but strangely in all the hullaballo I found the answer to my question. It was when my organization's founder, Raghu was talking to us. The following is his response..(not verbatim..recall method)

I know I am a consultant. How am I then any different from the other consultants? The reason is that I know whom am I working. My client may be the donor funding my study but the person I want to benefit is the end beneficiary of the program. My tools, my study design, my TOC, everything would focus at him or her and try and see how the money and the intervention can be made to help them better, to improve their lives. I try different approaches, different evaluations frameworks to make sure the information they give is captured better.

When I sat to think and reflect on it, then I actually realized that had run common through all my studies. Whether it be with the children or with the PLHIV or sex-workers. I do not go there to get them to fill my survey or to participate in my group interview. I engage with them. I hear them out. The talk, discussion adds to me, my experiences and my personality. Also when I put in my analysis, my recommendations I try to put that reflection as much as possible. I know this sounds a bit stretched but trust me it changes the way you think about your work. If I as an individual want to stay here, it is important for me to see a  personal adn monetary value in it or else I would be person documenting and writing endless reports. That would be self defeating for me in the long run.

Anyways, those are the musings from Kodai.

Conundrum

There is a sadness; pervading, enveloping every inch of space. 

It is dark, thick and consuming.

It has covered morning with a melancholy.

There is sadness.

There is happiness; pervading, enveloping every inch of space.

It is bright, light and embalming.

It has covered the morning with sunshine.

There is happiness.

There are two filters that glide through all our lives; at least as I how I see them. One day might be sad but then sooner or later it gives in and there is liveliness and enthusiasm and smiles. However off late I have come to question if we are inherently a happy or a sad person. As individuals do we lack the capacity to appreciate life or do we have nothing real, tangible or worthy of loving and living for?

Each day is sad, each morning is sad, each happy moment is sad and each sad moment is sad. Could this be true? If true, I have been living in a reverie. Everyone has had days where we question ourselves, our believes, our decisions and our relations. Despite that we find reasons to live and live happy. Or am I too optimistic? Cos trust me, I have had days where I lost faith in most intrinsic of beliefs and the closest of people.

Still, its a simple life. I do not understand the extravagant stands and sadness. Find your person, your joy, your interests and live in them and for them. 

P.S. More of a rant than a piece.

Rendezvous

It was dark, dawn had not set in.
The darkness outside echoed her thoughts.
She packed her bags, caught her cab.
The car raced towards the airport and her heart raced faster.

She was waiting for boarding her flight with anticipation locking her heart.
She picked her phone and dialed his number.
His voice calmed her and the anxiety demons were swept away.

When she opened her eyes her flight had landed.
She picked her phone to see his missed calls.
Her heart raced at lightning speed now. He was the man she loved.
Love had blossomed for them in the most unforeseen, unexpected of ways.
One fine day after a decade of knowing and yet not knowing they started talking.
And then two months later she was here, in love and waiting to see her lover for the first time.

She pulled her suitcase and walked outside.
Her eyes searching for him, scouring for her lover.
And then they saw each other.
Their bodies warm with each other's embrace.
Their racing hearts calming each other down.
And their eyes welled with unbridled happiness.

She knew she had found her companion.
She knew there was love.
She knew there was him. Real and all hers.

Same Frame!

As a girl born and brought up in India, I have always been told what to do, how to do, what to wear, what not to wear, what to say and especially what not to say. The list of nots' is quite long, literally long. I know I am abused, my parents know I am abused but instead of giving that strength and confidence to go fight it; I was taught to be quite about it. 

During my years in Lucknow, I remember going for night walks with my mom and the one thing she ensured was that I was dressed properly and the gold chain I wear wasn't visible. She did not want trouble. That's one thing that seemed to have stuck with me for years. Do I as a girl/woman call for trouble? I really do not remember singing, " Trouble! Trouble! Come knock on my door." However it was assumed to be my responsibility to make sure that I stay out of trouble. No boy should leer and no boy should follow me. On the other hand when I see parents talking to their son; its a completely different story. All they want is that their dear son should come home to them and they should then be able to feed him their love filled hand cooked meal. What he does outside the four walls is not their concern till the concern comes to bother them! 

Every time a man ogles at a woman's body, a parent & his village of near and dear ones fails.

Every time a man nudges a woman; a parent & his village of near and dear ones fails.

Every time a man makes a lecherous remark at a woman; a parent & his village of near and dear ones fails.

Every time a man forces himself on a woman (be it his wife); a parent & his village of near and dear ones fails.

We might call ourselves the great Indian/Aryan race but we are no where near it. As of now we are only a sad bunch of losers who take pride in the superficial achievements of our children. As individuals who value and respect each other we score a high zero.

I am no parent to tell what is the right way to bring up children but as an individual I do know that I would want my future generation to see two people with the same frame. No differentiation of boy, girl, rich, poor, intellectual, fool etc. Each one and everyone deserves respect and a right to be treated equally. I can have my judgments, opinions and pre-dispositions but I should not see a person's gender, class or caste as a parameter to exploit them or treat them shabbily. She deserves love and respect. So does he. Lets live and let live.

P.S.: This is from the time I was growing up, today I am bold and educated enough to raise my voice and I thank my parents for giving that education that 'liberates' me from giving into cliches.

Finding my Peace

For a while, she had been restless.
For a while, she had been anxious.
For a while, she had been sleepless.

And then he walked in straight into her heart.
He held her hand and scurried away the demons inside.
She embraced him and dusted away his diffidence.

So many times, they crossed paths in life and never did they notice the other.
Today they sit and wonder and laugh at the serendipity that life is.
Waiting all these years, searching with yearning eyes for the lover to walk in and oblivious to one another.

Finally they are together, finally they belong to each other, finally they are at peace.

The little vermilion girl

"I heard of this 'didi' from town in the village today and so I came running to the Health Centre. 

I am 12 years old.

I study in class 6.

My best friend is Munni.

I am married."

The last line comes out in a murmur and I have to stress my ears. 'She' is dressed in a salwar kurta and has sindoor running down her head parting. 'She' does not realize what has happened except that she now wears 'chudi' (bangles) and 'sindoor' everyday and has a new friend who stays in another village. This friend whom everyone else refers to as her husband. 'She' says he works in field and doesn't go to field. As of now they stay apart and meet only once in a while she gets to go meet the new friend. 'She' has visited his house only once before; after the marriage (which she describes as" when there was a big function and dinner at her house").

I did not have words to describe my feelings then and neither do I have words now. According to the UNICEF Multiple Indicator Cluster Surveys (MICS) 2013 47% of girls in India are married off before the age of 18. That number in itself is astounding and saddening. Why do we claim we are the big developing nation? Why do we worship goddesses? Why do we touch call nature, nature mother? Why do I call myself empowered?Why?

I am an educated and independent girl and yet I could do nothing to save her from the oncoming physical abuse and mental trauma. In my mind I didn't even know what my complaining about this child marriage would do. Would she be taken away from her parents? Would her and the groom's parents be jailed? Will she be sent to an even worse place by the system? This NGO that I went for does right awareness programs to help understand the wrong side of early child marriage for boys and girls. In my mind, bringing about a behavioral change like that would require much more than an awareness campaign and even more amount of time. Our society has nurtured early marriage for decades and now suddenly an outside bred NGO or a human rights worker cannot make them see the wrong side of their right traditions. But its not all bad, there is the other side too which is now seeing that educating their girl may be the smartest decision of their lives.( The positive side shall come in the next story)

She is happy to have found a new friend. A friend who may someday turn into the one abusive alcoholic and an addict husband. But for now the picture she has in her mind is colorful and I hope that they only turn prettier for her by the day.

P.S. : This is just a reflection on my experience in the field. For all purposes I am still as inexperienced as yesterday.

Free Fall

I stand at the cliff, the view is breathtaking.
I stand with his arms around me, the hold is invigorating.
I stand with life opening its arms towards me, the faith is strengthening.

I feel my heart beat and I feel the ground beyond my feet vanish.
I feel alive and afloat. I am plunging down in a free fall.
I feel no fear, I see no darkness.
You are not there, yet there.
You are invisible, yet I feel you all around me.
And I am taking the free fall, free falling with you.

New Bridges

Stepping onto a new bridge,

It's narrow, scary and fatal.

With each step my heart pounds and I fear breaking again.

My head is down staring at the demons that call out for me.

They remind me of the burns and the ruins in my life.

And I see myself fall.

Just then, in that moment I hear your voice in my head.

And the only smiling face of yours that I see everyday.

So I put my head up and I see you at the other end, calling out to me with open arms.

Everything around turns bright, real and magnificent. 

The beauty of nature stares at me and I stare back at it.

Wondering, how come I did not see you earlier.

I have crossed the bridge and I lay warm in your arms.

Basking in the happiness that is us.