Notes from a daughter

In India, having children is not a desire. It is a progression of steps.

Step 1: Grow up to a be a well earning man and an educated woman.  A woman is not obligated or motivated or desired to have a job, to have professional aspirations. We like the home-maker female. If a woman works, great, but that doesn’t entitle her to have opinions and decision making powers.

Step 2: Get married. This is a whole lot of work. Mostly according to your parent’s choice because obviously the marriage is about them, their status, their aspirations not your life. (If you thought of the latter, then you must be from the ‘progressive family’. Ah! How I hate the progressive.

Step 3: Have a child. This is also a whole lot of work, physically for the mother and financially for the father. We are very clear that we want the woman to never ever think of money, financial independence. We take that stress on a woman very seriously. Why should she? She has a husband after all. And if the husband can’t provide, then there are definite questions about his masculinity.

After the first 3 are done, you are considered a happy family, the perfect ‘man’ with a ‘perfect’ family. (We are very generous/casual with the adjectives these days and we use them in superlative only, awesomest couple, Handsomest man I have ever seen) (Also, as an after thought I wonder, having already seen the best in world and spent the words on it, do these people live anymore or see anything new?) In process, the man would have bought a house and added an extra star on his greatness.

There are numerous books in the bookstores, amazons and flipkarts on ‘parenting’. But trust me there is no rule book. I am guilty of saying it without having borne a child because according to me it is analogous to books on ‘How to be an adult?’, ‘How to be an excellent daughter?’, etc. Not worthy a look, books. Life is in an ever spinning change, there is no rule book that can help. The rule books come with the Macs and Samsungs, not humans. If it had to, then I am sure a baby would have been sent with one tied to its umbilical cord by the Lord.

So, oblivious of everything years pass on and given that one earned, parents take their children to the best of English medium schools, colleges and ensure that they have academically bright students. They may on the sidelines have hobbies of arts, music, sports, etc. but those are strictly ‘hobbies’. Please do not confuse them with things you (the child) want to dedicate your life and time to. It doesn’t pay, it doesn’t earn them respect amongst their peers, it doesn’t get you married. Trust me, the parents have their list sorted. It exists and it is the universal truth, like the ‘sun rises in east’. That kind of truth.

What parents do not realize or take cognizance of in the process is that time passed and children grew with the times. The ideas, views opened up; especially for their children, girl and boy alike. So one day, when the same daughter stands in front of them with an opinion, they are left dumbstruck. At first it is admiration that my daughter is well aware about G.K., news events but when one sees that this persists it is horror; of the worst kind. How did that happen? More importantly, when did that happen? She was right under our nose and she grew wings; of the worst kind? She wants to have a career, live independently, talk to all human beings alike, treat everyone alike, try different experiences without fear, love the man of her choice? Is this even permitted? Ah! The permit giving agency strikes again. Society. (Sorry, I didn’t mention it earlier) (Society shall be discussed later, at length)

As children we are always trying to stay in touch with our parents, bring them up to date with things in our life. We respect them very much for being our parents, for giving us the education (the one weapon which according to them probably did us more harm than good). At no point in time, do we want to leave them or abandon them or not care about them. But we do want to live our lives, our way. If we make mistakes, we want it to be ours. If we are victorious, we want to share it with you. If we are happy, we want to share it with you. We are not leaving you behind, we want you to be with us in our times, in our happiness. Just be open to walking with us and not taking us back into time and passages you walked through to bring us here.

P.S. This is a rambling note. No apologies extended.